Stalker I

I’m experimenting with my writing and am aware that all three versions need work. If you  have some constructive feedback or suggestions, let me know.

A. At the sound of a car driving up the street, Dirk King slid down in the seat. From his viewpoint he watched the car parallel park four spaces ahead. As the hooded figure stepped out of the car, Dirk wiped the buildup of fog from the driver’s side window. He watched to see what apartment the figure approached. “Goddamn lying bitch,” he spit when the figure stopped at the door to apartment 17.

B. The cord from Dirk King’s ear phones created a series of snake like figures in the fog of the tinted driver’s side window as it bounced to the jerky rhythm of Dirk’s head. The loud 80’s classic rock accosted his ear drums and blocked the sound of the angry thoughts that raced through his mind. Dirk’s snakelike eyes preyed on the door to apartment 17.

C. Alyssa Anderson was popping Jiffy Pop, waiting for her younger brother to arrive unaware that her new boyfriend was parked down the street watching another man approach his girlfriend’s apartment.

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2 thoughts on “Stalker I

  1. diditevercrossyourmind says:

    The first ones nice, but the second and third need work. the second one has a line : The cord from Dirk King’s ear phones created a series of snake like figures in the fog of the tinted driver’s side window which is awkward when you picture it, in fact, i cant really picture it at all.. you need to clearly express what it means, plus, you could try to enhance the effect of the story by introducing some good imagery, like the weather or the surroundings, maybe the sound of a cat jumping out of a trash can that startles Dirk. id wait for the sequel to the first one, but not really for the other 2.

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